I was lying in the bath earlier when I thought about it. I usually have a bath rather than a shower in order to protect my exit site. It's quite nice anyway to be submerged (partially) by bubbles and warm water as I contemplate life.
It's ennui, the definition of my own life right now. Ennui for having a fucking inconvenient kidney disease; ennui for how debilitating it is, zapping my energies, ennui for the mist I have lived in for the past 20 years as a prescription medication taker to slow my blood pressure down; ennui for the daily drag of attending a job I really am bored by, yet having no interest in any other thing; ennui for the constant saving up for a pension, a future that is meaningless; ennui for Brexit, for the fact that I am powerless to control its outcome; ennui for the fact that I can't even escape the Brexit hell hole for France and warmer places due to being stuck in Blighty with my gammy kidneys; ennui that I just don't understand what it is all about and why I am blindly doing it, whatever "it" is.
What I can do is cocoon myself away with my heating on full blast, eating chocolate, listening to teenage angst music pretending all of the above doesn't exist.
Ennui.
It's ennui, the definition of my own life right now. Ennui for having a fucking inconvenient kidney disease; ennui for how debilitating it is, zapping my energies, ennui for the mist I have lived in for the past 20 years as a prescription medication taker to slow my blood pressure down; ennui for the daily drag of attending a job I really am bored by, yet having no interest in any other thing; ennui for the constant saving up for a pension, a future that is meaningless; ennui for Brexit, for the fact that I am powerless to control its outcome; ennui for the fact that I can't even escape the Brexit hell hole for France and warmer places due to being stuck in Blighty with my gammy kidneys; ennui that I just don't understand what it is all about and why I am blindly doing it, whatever "it" is.
What I can do is cocoon myself away with my heating on full blast, eating chocolate, listening to teenage angst music pretending all of the above doesn't exist.
Ennui.
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